There's nothing about a Volcano Double Beef Burrito that sounds appetizing, except the Volcano, Double-Beef...and Burrito part.

Just watched Zombieland and decided to put together my own survival guide list, so far I have: twinkies. I fucking love twinkies.

I don't know what this day needs, but I need a slap on the ass.

That was hot. Just undressed a stranger & fucked him on the escalator. #activeimagination

I don't know why y'all make fun of the People Of Walmart. They totally inspire me to keep my job.

There's 6 construction workers standing at a hole and only one is digging. I think at least two should be able to go home, with me.

Back the fuck up people. I'm starting the Activia challenge.

Lunch with co-workers is not my idea of exciting, unless one of them starts choking on the chicken.

Damn you people are determined to make me google this Sarah Palin dude aren't you.

Finally some good news--I found some batteries!!!

Calm the fuck down and one at a time please. Everyone will have a chance to kiss my ass.

You can be in control baby, as long as you use my ponytail.

I'm only 18 years older than my son which means all his friends are only 18 years younger than me. Woot!

Damn it I just bought these pantyhose and I've already ripped a hole right through the crotch. Don't ask.

HER: You tweet about masturbation a lot. Like everyday.
ME: That's because I masturbate a lot. Like everyday.

Yummy, makes me giggle, blush, and still knocks me off my feet the next morning. Wine, you wonderful fuck.

"Mom you failed me again, where's the hotdogs?" I have successfully brought parental expectations to an all time low.

Just for shits & giggles one day I'm gonna tweet blast 50 in a row and burn a vibrating hole in the pocket of anyone who has my updates sms.

69 is fun, but I'm calling 8 ball in the corner pocket.

I need more wood for my fire.