I find it hilarious my phone auto-corrects aunt to cunt. Apparently it knows her, too.

A guy who uses sarcasm appropriately makes my brain orgasm.

If my timeline is accurate, I'm the only one here who's sober and not getting laid. Damn it, I'm back in high school.

My sex life unfollowed me.

"I bet you can't make me walk funny." ~ The only pickup line a woman ever needs.

"Did you want to keep talking about this, or put your dick in my mouth?"

How I win arguments.

I guess I could leave the house today. No promises though.

Holy shit! I log into Favstar and post a few tweets, and I get some favs. You like me! You really, really like me! Or not. Lie to me.

There's a little girl screaming bloody murder outside. I sure hope she's okay.

Oh look, 86 new tweets.

Every time I bend over, my boobs attempt to escape the prison known as the brassiere.

My pillow fort has failed me. Fucker.

I keep telling my sister I've got friends and she just looks at me.

She's just jealous because I have the internet and she doesn't.

I'd password-protect my heart if I could.

Silence your phone, wash your face, and pretend nothing is wrong, sweetheart.

The irony of talking to someone from Los Angeles about "selling out" is almost too much for me... almost.

Sometimes people make you laugh in the most unexpected ways.

Thanks for that.

I grew up hearing hate speech spewed freely from people I loved. If I choose to avoid you, it's your brain, not skin color. Break the cycle.

To strangers that I give dirty looks to: go take a parenting class, you bastard.

9-11-01 shouldn't be a joke, but I know we all cope differently. Survival can be as difficult as loss.

I'll never understand people who use multiple twitter accounts. Don't they know you're supposed to commit twittercide and start over?