I met my perfect match on ePharmacy.com

“WAIT! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! RUN BACK! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! THE FUCK!”



~ Squirrels

It's not pretty being easy.

If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs™ with Socks.

And then kill himself.

My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill.

A pushup bra on an ugly woman is like a spoiler on a Prius.

My husband calls me a control freak.

BECAUSE I MAKE HIM CALL ME A CONTROL FREAK.

Twitter is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always some one up. Also, someone fucked up.

Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under your wheels.

A really cool bonus feature would be the ability to delete other people's Tweets.

Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...

I just sneezed so hard I'm now wearing crotchless panties!

If you don't have anything nice to say, say it on Twitter.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

Being ReTweeted by someone with zero followers is Twitter's version of the sound of one ass cheek clapping.

I'm one intestinal parasite away from my ideal weight.

I lose followers the old fashioned way.

I Tweet.

I just sneezed so hard that I’m now two seconds in the future.

You think YOU'VE had a rough day?

I was just unfollowed by a fucking HOTEL!