Her: "Will you feed my cat?"
Me: "To what?"

Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble."

Him: "What kind of car trouble?"

Me: "It doesn't go 300 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."

Common Marriage Traps to Avoid:

1. Marriage

When I get really drunk I like to draw things on my face with a marker so I can pretend I have friends who are complete assholes.

Everyone has a hot cousin.

Find yours at Incestry.com.

I flirted with disaster.

One thing led to another and I think we're getting married.

I wear pleated shorts because I'm comfortable with my loneliness.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but stupidity breeds continually.

Me: "Am I healthy enough for sexual activity?"

Doctor: "You are, but you're just not attractive enough."

The difference between a threesome and my night last night is two people.

I like my women like I like my fractions: Improper.

I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately.

Sorry, typo.

I've been *drinking* a lot lately.

I keep trying to drown my sorrows, but these kids are surprisingly good swimmers.

I like how flies rub their front legs together like they're hatching some sort of nefarious plot to be more mildly annoying.

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Not sure I understand the appeal of virtual sex.

Relationship choices are "Single, married, divorced, or widowed." No "Spiraling out of control?" This survey knows me not at all.

It's rather pathetic that the only thing that consistently works on my car is the Check Engine light.

Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

I'm terrible at wrapping gifts. I can wrap a CD and witness the recipient's fear that they may be unwrapping a human head.