Lost in the corn maze. Send help, butter and salt.

Why, why, why? Why do I leave things till the last minute?
Which begs the question,why am I reading tweets when I have so much to do?
Right.

If I get to the crosswalk & you're already waiting for the light to change, I push the button anyway because I don't trust you did it right.

Today in honor of Albert Einstein's birthday, I'm rocking the mad scientist hair. Theories to follow.

Things I've accomplished at work today:
1. Drank coffee
2. Stapled things
3. Read turkey tweets
4. Choreographed dance to Deck the Halls

Did my makeup at red lights on the drive to work, now I'm admiring the silhouette of a Bluetooth earpiece on my right cheek!
#art

I'm probably getting more pleasure out of this electric gum-massaging toothbrush than Colgate intended.

What's proper decorum for an aging punk rocker when surrounded by hipsters & emo music?
Help me out here!

I've reached the time when the Ghost of Christmas Past is settled firmly on my hips.

Soup of the Day:

Miso Tired.

In hindsight, it would've been better to PRETEND to back my van into the garage wall in order to come up with a joke about it.

"God bless us everyone!"*

-Tiny Tim**


*Look at me I have a pee pee

** Tiny Tim on public twitpic account

The putting up the Christmas lights here went really well except for the part where I haven't found the damn lights yet.

Some call it refinishing antique furniture. I call it wiping the table after my kids have eaten.

I may or may not have been wearing a particular clothing item inside out all day at work.

Status: caffeinated

If there's one thing I've decided, it's that we could all use the word kibosh a little more frequently.

I'd really like a Christmas avatar but I'm having a hard time finding a Santa hat big enough to fit on this pineapple.

My conscience has a very loud voice today, it seems.

I am not going to make a snarky tweet about a 30-something that needs "denominations" explained to them. I am not.