A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.

Mouth to mouth saves lives. Mouth to genitals saves relationships.

I think I get Twitter now. You lose if you give a shit. You win if you skillfully act like you don't give a shit.

If anal sex was named after a dinosaur it would be Fuckmysaurass.

You’re not a man until you grow pubic hair. But you’re not truly a gentleman until you cut that shit off.

Sometimes I eat corn-on-the-cob like it's a typewriter and we all laugh and the kids ask what a typewriter is and I die a little inside.

You don't need a map to get to my "fun spot", you just need a sense of erection.

The happiness I seek is found deep inside me. Then outside of me. Then in me, out of me, in, out, in, out.

Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a woman to fish and it’s nag nag nag. The bait’s gross, the water’s cold, I have to pee.

Ok, Betty White, your 15 decades of fame are up.

I was so excited that I found these 100 calorie snack packs until I found these 64 calorie beers. So, I'm drinking beers.

"The mountains are so beautiful."
"My dad made them."
"You are such a show-off!" *walks away*

-Why Jesus wasn't popular in high school

I don't watch "Hoarders" on TV. I record them, label each VCR tape, and then make a big pile in the corner of my living room.

I don’t care that I met my boyfriend online. People make such a big deal out of it, but eBay works.

Sometimes I use a ruler to measure. That way I can tell my friends later exactly how much he was into me.

In a relationship it is very important that you BOTH decide what the woman wants and just do that.

When I go to my Profile Page I am so happy it says “That’s You!” because I get confused easily.

I don't know what you guys are talking about? The economy looks great from my parents' guest room.

I lost like 7 people today. I hope it was something I said.

A birthday e-card is a great way to say I remembered your birthday but don’t care about you at all.