Sometimes, a retweet is the highlight of my day. So yeah, that's MY life.

U can #Unfollow me if u want, but I can't #Unfuck ur mom.

*This could turn into a porno at any second* What guys think. Always. Like, right now.

Its perfectly ok for us to talk about our feelings sometimes.

I like feeling girls.

I like feeling drunk.

I don't like feeling hungry.

Truth is, everyone's going to hurt u. The trick is, knowing the safe word.

I swear, sometimes, I have the attention span of a

Im glad they didn't have twitter when I was a kid. Between jacking off and tweeting, I may have never left the bathroom.

If any of my tweets suck, I'm just playing hard to retweet.

See.

Words to live by:

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Lick as much pussy as possible, as often as u can.

Id rather get caught masturbating than talking to myself.

Kids. Because why should u be able to take a shower without first removing odd things from the tub like a fuckin jump rope?

If I star it, I mean it.

Stop lights and Railroad crossings. Because twitter.

But really, I love my wife.

And my shotgun.

My mom just told me she feels like she failed as a parent. Love u too, mom.

For people that make fun of how much I shower, suck my extremely clean dick.

Black people think I’m hilarious, they’re always callin me whitey, which is obviously slang for witty.

Dear twitter, u have the capacity of a ten yr old drinking everclear out of the bottle.

The best part about filling in as supervisor is having friends turn in reports that say "I had a massive erection while making this".

Dear people I follow,

U give my funny bone an erection.