I'm saving the world when bono isn't.

Making my way up the corporate ladder. Good thing I wore black panties

Not to sound dirty, but I swallow everything I put in my mouth.

One day ill be incandescently happy, until then, there is always beer

I think it's fantastic men are only after one thing. Oddly enough, so am I.

Does anyone need their glass cut? Related: it is really cold in my office.

If my eyes were to get anymore glazed, they'd be donuts.

I really need a coloring book because I've been retarded on pain pills half of the day.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

I want your dick buried so deep inside me that I can feel it my lungs

I wish I could find it in my heart to love anyone half as much as I love being naked

If it's not rough, it isn't fun

"You haven't been fucked on a balcony until you've been fucked by me on a balcony"

Why is it so hard for me to resist the urge to put everything in my mouth

My nipples are harder than Chinese arithmetic

The things I did to that burrito in the backseat of my car on the roof of the parking garage is a crime in 32 states.

I spell trainwreck like this: Y O U R. M O M

Laying in bed, topless tweeting. #glee .... Wait... That's a television show and NOT a feeling?

Will someone please call my office and tell them to let me go

I hope no one notices my kool aid mustache