When I'm driving in Amsterdam, I stay clear of the Red Light District. Never been there, but it sounds like the traffic lights are insane.

The successor to bishop Desmond Tutu has already been named: Desmond 23.

Often when I read people's tweets, I think their train of thought is the disorient express.

So, apparently when you've just given a woman a facial, you shouldn't go "IN YOUR FACE!".

My friend always talks about how he's "in touch with his feminine side", which probably is the closest he'll ever get to sex with a woman.

Gillian McKeith is trending. I'm quite certain she's a lesbian. Because if you are what you eat, she's obviously been eating cunt.

Apparently you should never, EVER refer to PMS as "mad cow disease".

I've got nothing against gay men, but I think a lot of them are fucking assholes.

Brilliant. Duh of the week. Friend: "Me and my sister look nothing alike. Well, we are both adopted from different parts of the world."

My ex really loved anal sex. In fact, so much so I finally understood why it's called the a-hole rather than the b-hole.

Behind every obese person is someone who enables their obesity. Well, there probably is. You wouldn't be able to tell, really.

No idea why people are getting worked up about 3D porn. If I want 3D porn, I'll just have sex. You know, in real life? Oh, you don't know.

Me: "You had sex with THAT? Bloody hell. She's as big as a fucking whale, mate." Friend: "Well, you know.. A blowhole's a blowhole."

Also trending is #BeyondScaredStraight. As in, "He was beyond scared straight. He was scared homophobic.".

Ah, I've slept like a baby. Which, I suppose, means I woke up every two hours crying and screaming looking for a nipple to suck.

Hugh Hefner is trending. As much Viagra as he's used, if he dies and they spread his ashes to the wind it'll lead to a bloody stiff breeze.

Anyone who thinks that women aren't funny obviously hasn't heard of Twitter.

Fuck, I'm all out of funny jokes today. This must be what Jerry Seinfeld feels like all the time.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is trending. Few people know she's actually a clone. The first version was called Catherine Beta-Jones.

I've made a lot of jokes about Hugh Hefner using Viagra. In reality he doesn't. He is actually so old his erection comes from rigor mortis.