Crap. I slept through the bombing of the moon. Did we win?

I'm guessing Mrs. Woods reads Tiger Beat magazine.

Went to Menards to pick up some tools, ...but none of em get off work till 10:00. Not my type anyways.

He said he liked ranch dressing. So I put on a cowboy hat, vest, and skirt. Apparently he doesn't like it as much as he thought he did.

Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but the dog runs free. The tree stays where it's at though. So there's that.

Looking at this Philip's head screwdriver makes me wonder what the hell Philip looked like.

NEVER send a man out for Halloween candy. Seriously? Trail Mix? ...I may have to egg my own house.

You know what would make this Pina Colada better? ...Cancun.

My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumbass, ...I can still see him.

Well, there's a relief. I see NASA let the sun live another day.

Camping would be so much easier if we just stayed home.

I really can't remember the last time I had amnesia.

He asked if I wanted a roll in the hay. I told him "hell no, all that straw would stick to the cinnamon and icing". Guys can be so dumb.

Twitter couldn't be any slower if it was pulling Kirstie Alley in a sled on the sand

Whenever I see my neighbors partying in their garage, it makes me wonder if they know how comfortable the rest of their house is.

After 2 days home alone, we can conclude that I am NOT the one who pees on the toilet seat or flicks toothpaste on the mirror. Case closed.

Jeez lady. Take a chill pill. I was just checkin out your hubby's caboose. You DO realize we're in the "check out" line,...don't you?

I think Larry King's suspenders are holding his legs on.

National Punctuation Day? ...STOP, Comma time.

Want to hang out? Today I'm going to tape a kitty cat picture on my kid's remote control car to freak out the neighbor's dog. I've got beer.