I wish I could delete all these cookies I just ate.

It's not you, it's me.

I don't like you.

While tweeting, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call me. I'm a doctor.

I may have a lot of emotional baggage but trust me, I've packed it well.

Facebook goes down = Nobody cares.
Twitter goes down = Panic ensues.
Your mom goes down = Everyone takes a number.

The way I see it, if you get offended, perhaps Twitter isn't the place for you.

Nothing more awkward to watch than goth mom and dad trying to teach their goth 3 year old how to socialize at the park.

I can snap a cucumber in half with my bare nevermind.

This has got to be the worst dating site ever.

Please don't feed the tweeters. They're so much funnier when they've got something to complain about.

Studies show Twitter users adapt better to life changes than others. Specifically divorce, unemployment & prolonged lack of sexual activity.

The best part of being me is that I'm not you.

I'm hard on my kids because a hard on is what got me in this mess to begin with.

Arizona just set us back sixty-five years.

Take that Mayan calendar!

Today I replaced the garbage disposal, changed a tire & oil, built an entertainment center and the only time I called a man was for a pizza.

I'd eat McDonalds more often if their adult meals came with adult toys such as nipple tassels and mini vibrators.

What the hell? Every time I type "Twitter" my spell check keeps changing it to "You're a loser"

Bottled beer is hard to open when you're going 85mph and tweeting. LOLjk I'm only going 70mph

When I was a kid and said I wanted to be a grown up, this is not what I meant.