Twitter would be an annoying boyfriend I think.
"What are doing?" all the damn time.

It would bother me. Just saying.

Today is pajama day in case you didn't know
It's also put your advil in a tiny ziploc. And carry it around with you.

It's like candy.

Today I'm stuck between I don't give a shit & I think I'd rather die.
Move along folks. That's all I got.

Ibuprofen saves the day.
It's my "one ring" in this situation for problems.

My precious...

One plus for the day. I'm not funny enough for the dirty martini chick to follow me and plagerize my stuff. Woo hoo!!!!!


Wait a sec...

Spending the night with my boyfriend. He's watching tv. I'm on Twitter.

It's a perfect match.

Amirite?

Think I know some people here but I'm not sure. So I'm in one of those I'm not gonna say anything unless you do, awkward limbos...

To celebrate tweet number 800 I will say: fuck, shit, dick, damn, cunt cock-sucker, thank you for your time.
Oh and blow me.

For Halloween next year I'm just gonna wear sweat pants & go as your mom
It'll be easy to get drunk in & I'll for sure get laid.

Is it have a beer Or a glass of wine Before working out that's healthy? I guess the fact that it's 10:00 a.m. Makes the entire ? Irrelevant

Future reference tequilla does not make my clothes fall off. It makes me pass the fuck out.

Sitting around this table I realize the generation before mine. Was just as fucked up. It's kind of nice to know.

Just slept for three hours.
ON MY HAND.
This sucks.

Due to the fact the stars I'm giving aren't sticking.
I have an excuse for a lack of stars.
Yours just aren't sticking either.
Right guys?

Never say you're skidding something over there. When pants and underwear are involved.


Bad form.

Saw an ad for "Trunk or Treat" Just what we need to teach kids. Get candy out of ppls trunks.
Some Pedophiles dreams just came true.
Ew

Yes I bought a snuggie. But last night it snuggled me a little too tightly for my liking.

Don't judge me. It's cold.

I'm like the old lady who swallowed a fly. Except I swallowed acetomenophine. But still think I might die. *blows nose*

Sorry to dissapoint you liquor store lady. Just bc I was blonde in my ID picture doesn't make it fake. Thanks I'll take that tequilla now.

Tempted by the fruit of another is such the fucking understatement. Look away because I want your apple.
*sneaky sneaky* snatched. Yum.