People mark my posts as favorites, but they don't RT them. I'm like the prostitute you enjoy fucking but don't introduce to your friends.

When I was 20, my knowledge of sex was like Einstein's knowledge of physics. Impressive, but largely theoretical.

Nick Carter is trending? Did someone set the calendar back ten years when I wasn't looking?

WATER -->
WAVER -->
WAVES -->
WANES -->
WINES

HA! Take that Jesus!

I want my headstone to say "Wish You Were Here."

4 out of 5 doctors were in the bottom 80% of their graduating class.

I've run out of prozac. I'm taking amateurzac now.

The real reason so many straights oppose gay marriage: because they KNOW that gay weddings will make theirs look boring and lame.

I just retweeted myself. I think that officially makes me a social media whore.

#candyheartrejects For you, I'd swallow.

It turns out that my bros ARE hos. I'm so confused about where my priorities should be now.

Cyber-bullying is never cool. Unless you're picking on the Amish. 'Cause it's not like they're gonna know.

#MyGhettoDreams when the dictionary makes it official to axe a quorstion.

I don't understand how anyone could ever be sexually attracted to a cartoon character. Except Speed Racer. I'd shift his gears all right.

The six-coloured Gay Rights rainbow in the USA is cute, but not nearly as impressive as the Gay Rights tartan of Scotland.

Depression is like physical pain: unless you've felt it for yourself, you can't really sympathize.

Sexually frustrated? There's a fap for that.

Homosexuality is not a choice, but ignorance can be.

If it were called AMERICAN BILLY IDOL, I'd watch it.

And cry "More! More! More!"

Seriously, whom do I have to blow to get retweeted around here?!