Unwritten Facebook Rule: If they only post pictures of their kids, they got fat.

The first warning sign that a woman is bat shit crazy is that she is attracted to me in any way, shape, or form.

The closest I'll get to a threesome is using two in one conditioner.

A beautiful woman with a smirk is trouble. The best kind...

Ladies, before dieting, keep in mind:

Boobs are always better than ribs.

Even BBQ ribs.

Aquaman made all the ladies wet. Best super power ever.

Don't bother giving me a trophy. My wife will just bedazzle it and fill it with flowers.

The most beautiful women I have encountered in my lifetime believed they were average. They were anything but.

It must suck to be a mortician's wife and find out he's having a work affair.

I don't like seeing parents walk their kids on a leash. I hate it when they let them shit on my lawn.

Parenting tip: New parents, you really only need 1 DVD for your child until they reach the age of six. Doesn't matter which irritating one.

I don't believe women that flaunt their breasts have daddy issues. I believe they have 'Awesome Breasts' issues.

If your wife asks how an article of clothing looks on her, 'expensive' is not the correct answer.

When I see airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars, I think, "Those must be airplanes," because I'm not a fucking idiot.

When an inspirational tweet pisses someone off while inspiring another, I laugh my ass off and file it under: Win/Win.

Being a parent & masterbating's like being a villain on Scooby Doo: "I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for these meddling kids!"

If you call me a motherfucker, I will call you a psychic in reply... and then ask for directions to your mother's house.

I know it's not a very popular sentiment in Twitterland, but I fucking love being married to my wife. (Let the barfing begin!)

Insanity is a thought away, just a short jog from misery, which is a quiet whisper from insecurity. I drink to silence all three.

Most of us on Twitter need Deep Issue Massages.