Sorry if you're blind now, but you shouldn't have been watching the elevator security camera as I hiked my dress to adjust my undies.

Occasionally I regret not having children. But not today, thanks to Screechy McWherethefuckareyourparents over there.

Ever see a cat fly? If you sneeze loud enough, guarantee yours will launch itself over two sofas and a TV.

333.

I'm only half evil.

House is clean.

CleanER.

Okay, parts are more like clean-ish, but I've had enough, thank you very much.

"Quattro fromaggia" is Italian for "don't light a match in here for the next two days".

Is there a way to unfriend family on Facebook without it adversely affecting your haul at birthdays and Christmas?

Note: cats don't like to wear necklaces. Now please excuse me, I need to get this sutured.

This football game needs more hockey fights.

If these panties crawl up any further I'll officially be cheating on The Husband.

At the bottom of every wine bottle lies a sad, sad clown.

I suspect this coffee was brewed using tears of disappointment and shame.

After a day like today, the idea of being the last person on earth is pretty damn tantalizing.

HELP! The amateurs are using reply-all again!

Funny. When you really consider 1970s fabrics, it's amazing more people didn't go up in flames while lighting the fondue burner.

You say "go fuck yourself" like it's a bad thing.

Sometimes it DOES feel like the circus, and I'm the one following the elephants with a shovel.

Something just flew down my bra, and God help me, I think I liked it.

I just used the phrase "going forward" in a phone call, and now my mouth tastes like shame.

Question regarding Saturday night protocol:

What wine goes with changing the litter in the cat's box?