It looks like all the years of phone sex has caught up with me. I now have hearing aids.

LADIES: Did you know that orgasms can give you longer hair and bigger boobs? Let me prove it to you with my 30 day FREE trial.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

If at first you don't succeed, just ask what she wants and put your mouth back on her vagina.

I am so glad McDonald's does not serve hotdogs. I could never ask them to supersize my McWiener with a straight face.

If your against gay marriage, blame straight people. They are the ones having gay babies.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY: To the lady I gave mouth to mouth. I got caught up in the hurricane coverage. I forgot I live on the west coast.

For a joke, Go to McDonalds and ask the cashier what part of the cow does a McRib come from.

HELPFUL HINT: If you accidentally throw a brick through a window, it is not advisable to say your pet rock had rabies and went crazy.

I call my fax machine 'Bob Marley' because it keeps jammin.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White-Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

HELPFUL HINT: ALL women want to feel sexy. It is our job to make them feel that way. And trust me, it pays dividends.

I tried Kama Sutra and now everytime I see a pretzel I get an erection

I have no problem with women who wear clothes that show a cameltoe. What bothers me is if it looks like a tongue is sticking out of it.

LADIES: Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes.

A math professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating.

If Adam and Eve had done anal, we would not be here today.

Women who don't like porn are the same women who sit at home and watch soap operas.

Just watched a porn in hi-def..scared the crap out of me.