I got unfollowed for, and I quote, "showing a lack of self-esteem".

THIS ISN'T FUCKING HELPING!

I wish someone would hurry up and marry me so I can go ahead and get fat.

A woman pulled over and asked where the gym was. I laughed! She laughed. I laughed more, she looked scared. I kept laughing, she drove away.

Twitter is the internet's raised eyebrow.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Have you guys ever tried to explain Favstar to a real life person?

Why didn't you warn me?

When I have a disagreement with my boyfriend I demand to speak to his supervisor.

Then we sit in silence until his mother arrives.

If you star me I'll assume you either find me funny, or you want to have sex with me.

I don't care which one, I'm not proud.

Or funny

I just had a lovely chat with my closest friend.

Well, I did most of the talking. He just said 'meow' a couple of times.

Asked a colleague to add an apostrophe to "were" but she changed it to "we'er" and I don't know what happened next because I killed myself.

Sometimes I try and work out when the cat's birthday is so we can get drunk and celebrate.

So far this month he has had 19 birthdays.

How many calories do you burn standing in the kitchen sobbing hysterically into an empty pizza box? Asking for a friend.

I'm an incredibly liberal and accepting person, until someone confuses 'they're' with 'there' and then I become a judgemental asshole.

I like to be the first person to star your tweets, it has just the right mix of flattery and creepiness.

I want to be the cool and aloof girl who gets all the guys.

Instead I'm the drunk, staring girl who gets all the cats.

Having a red apple for lunch instead of my usual green.

Strap yourself in, this shit is about to get WILD!

99% of my time on twitter is spent wishing I'd thought of that joke before you.

Fuckers.

I have never been stood up by a date. Or asked out on a date. Whatever.

He's seen me completely drunk, without make-up, without clothes, and he still loves me.

What me and the pizza guy have is the real thing.

My bf and I have cutesy nicknames for each other. I call him 'baby' and he calls me 'that alcoholic bitch I live with'.

Oh how we laugh.