I feel the same way about coffee as I do about men - sometimes I like the smell but I don't want it in my mouth.

If a church can cure me of my gay, maybe it can cure itself of its hypocrisy.

You're so hot I want to cross my eyes so I see two of you.

I still think Fergie is hot, as long as the volume is turned down low. Ok, off.

My Irish tastes like there's coffee in it.

Confession: Sometimes I check that "texts from last night" website to see if any are mine. I'm that much of a hot mess.

No YOU practiced your sick voice before calling in to work this morning.

Most people know one gay woman besides me, and they're all "perfect" for me.

Today I just want to snuggle up in front of the fireplace with a big fluffy blanket, hot cocoa and a huge box of porn.

My Rottweiler ate a Chihuahua who ate a bee and now we've got a turducken sort of thing going.

So are we just indefinitely going to accept that they'll never be able to make cars without blind spots?

I wonder which topic we'll run into the ground today.

Today for lunch I'm having grilled cheese and remorse for the weekend's activities.

We need a new word for boobs. It's been a while.

Killing 2 birds with one stone by eating vodka-soaked olives. Dinner and drunk.

The only social interaction I get at work is listening to women gossip while they pee.

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Unless you're a lesbian.

The best part about insomnia is the hallucinations. Unless there really are sparkly pixies in my closet.

Just a spoonful of sugar makes the diabetic go down...

Yoga class smells like feet and foam.