Had a threesome last night but there were a couple of no-shows.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

Accidentally sent a picture of my boobs to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

How can you tell if a vegan is at your dinner party? You can't.

Don't worry though, they'll let you know.

"Strap on" is "no parts" backwards."

The most successful pickup line ever? "Does this smell like chloroform?"

Is bored. Gonna go over to Barnes and Noble and put all the bibles in the fiction section. BRB.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Are blowjobs like flowers for men?

The word "Autumn" translates into Latin meaning, "Death is coming. Here is a rake."

He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it……. She said: You wear pants don’t you?

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Why do bulimics love KFC? Because it comes with a bucket.


Buh dum bum.

Lie. Lay. Laid. Lie. Leave.

I wish I had a sarcasm font.

You say potato, I say vodka.

Mention the word "cleavage" and chances are, any man in ear shot will turn to look.

I bought this wheelbarrow, and the tire on it says "not for highway
use". Great. Now what the hell am I going to do with it?

The pain you feel after an injury is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus. AMIRITE?