I jerked a homeless guy off this morning but did it ONLY in the spirit that he'd pay it forward

OMG! I think I might be getting laid tonight!!!

Serious question, guys: Its still in-and-out like it was the LAST time I had sex, right?!?

I bet when we women fall asleep with our mouths open, it takes pretty much EVERYTHING in u not 2 put yur dick in our mouth; am I right?!?

In my book, there are few things sexier than a guy with a sense of humor...





And an education and a job and a brain & a big dick and...

OH MY GOD! My brother just walked in on me while I was in the bathroom! Now hes NEVER gonna wanna make out w/ me again...Im so embarrassed..

I'd love to see that bitch from those Progressive commercials get shot in the face with jizz as she exclaims: "Unicorns-n-glitter!"

Exercising is HARD! Why can't I just have a normal gag-reflex & puke my way into a size 3 like every1 else can?!? It's BULLSHIT, I tell ya!

A co-workers havin a tuna sandwich in front of me as I fight the urge 2 ask if her mouth needs 2 smell like her snatch this early in the day

Why cant men just do obvious shit w/out having 2 b told?! I dont see them tellin me 2 work, cook, clean & get down on my knees! I just KNOW!

Since WHEN has screaming: "STICK IT IN!!!" been an unacceptable form of flirting?!?

You assholes forgot to send me the memo...

Gonna try driving home with BOTH tops down after work today 2 see if anyone notices... I'm a rebel like that!

U know yur on the right track w/ twitter when u start unfollowing celebrities that dont have SHIT 2 say 4 regular folks thar r funny as fuck

A guy that can make me laugh can always find a warm place in my vag... I mean, heart!

I wear halter tops 2 work because the possibility of a booby poppin' out unexpectedly is my way of living on the edge....

Guy: 'Hey! Check me out! I drive a Benz!' Me: Who gives a fuck WHAT u drive when u still live @ yur moms house?!? Fuck off, u cocky bastard!

How the hell did I wake up pants-less this morning?!?

My dad's got A LOT of explaining 2 do!

I like randomly yelling "Hey Asshole!" at places to see who looks!

They say that the mind is a terrible thing 2 waste...


Same goes 4 my pussy so GO FORTH & spread the word! ;)

If "Diamonds are a girl's best friend," then what place does my vibrator take?!? It seems that does more 4 me than diamonds!

Watched the movie Snatch 4 the 1st time & gotta say it was VERY disappointing...

There wasn't a single snatch in the WHOLE thing! Bullshit!