It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.

I was an adult once. Then I opened a Twitter account.

Pro tip: Never send your best tweet of the day out while everyone is watching Lost's last show.

I love wearing ear-buds and listening to the music loud at the gym, because no one can hear you if you fart...Why is everyone looking at me?

My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....

You guys with more than one account..Have you tried Lithium?

I can deal with many things. Intolerance. Hate. But if I can't find the right lid for the Tupperware in five minutes, some one will pay.

New follower: You have an egg as an avi, no bio, and a locked account. Damn, that has "follow me back" written all over it.

Karl Marx was wrong. Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Twitter is. Also Angry Birds.

Ever notice how that guy that works the self-checkout register always knows the code for cucumbers?

I just assume the show is called "The Bachelorette" because "The Biggest Loser" was already taken.

Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

I'm like the U2 of Twitter. You wonder when the next tweet is coming out, and when it does you wonder why you waited.

My daughter ask "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

Watching a couple swirl their wine. Just drink the shit.

Double feature at our house last night. The Exorcist and Poltergeist. Not the movies, just my 11 year old daughter experiencing hormones.

Times practicing: 234,782

Times producing one great daughter: 1

My wife thought she could talk me into watching "Black Swan" by saying there was a lesbian scene in it. Ya, like I'm that shallow. (3stars)

I'm pretty sure a co-worker has a sex addiction. Wait...I work alone.

Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.