@MauriceBlitz

some people call me

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Following	1,328
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I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@MauriceBlitz

The best pick up line is cocaine.

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@MauriceBlitz

My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.

@MauriceBlitz

I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

@MauriceBlitz

I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

@MauriceBlitz

After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

@MauriceBlitz

All good things come to those you hate.

@MauriceBlitz

With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.

@MauriceBlitz

So embarrassing! I was mentally undressing this chick and I got stuck trying to remove her bra for like 10 minutes!

@MauriceBlitz

I just wanna be rich enough to buy a water bed filled with tears of my enemies.

@MauriceBlitz

My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

@MauriceBlitz

I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@MauriceBlitz

The cap of a BIC pen is like a dog's chewing toy for humans.

@MauriceBlitz

I think my favorite Transformer is probably RuPaul.

@MauriceBlitz

It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.

@MauriceBlitz

A twelve-pack of beer is equivalent to a bouquet of roses in a bromance.

@MauriceBlitz

My cat, Stevens, will now only answer to the name Yusuf Islameow, for some reason. That's weird.

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder what will Dora be exploring once she gets to college.

@MauriceBlitz

An umbrella in your drink should really be there to protect your drink from your tears.

@MauriceBlitz

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