Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

HONEY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE I FEEL TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT FOR FREE FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER MET… fine, it does sound stupid out loud.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife has accused me of being gay I’d probably have enough to buy that new buttplug I’ve been eyeing.

Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.

Once my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and he made me smoke a whole pack until I got sick. Really glad he never caught me sucking a dick.

You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

FYI - when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me! I don’t recognize that one…that one either... Oh I know the problem, it’s a fucking TAMBOURINE.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Look Twitter, if you are going to randomly unfollow people for me, can you at least pick ones that I haven’t built shrines for in my garage?

The first thing that struck me was the stunning beauty of the woman in the next car. The second thing that struck me was my wife’s fist.

The wear on my keyboard shows that the most used letters are G, A, Y, P, O, R, and N. Weird.

Someday I will leave my wife for a dude named Jared. Then she’ll say “He went to Jared” and her bitch friends will be all excited. Briefly.

Some guy was going to kick my ass so I told him “I’m a lover, not a fighter” so then he… let’s just say I wish I had fought the guy instead.

Your text said “get ready for hot ass sex”, but did you mean “hot-ass sex” or “hot ass-sex”? Hyphens are important (but either way I’m in).

Look, tell me to fuck off all you want, but let’s leave the horse I rode in on out of this. He’s sad and emotionally vulnerable right now.

Ever burn a bag of microwave popcorn and eat it anyway while bitching about it the whole time? If not then you aren’t Kathy from Accounting.

The body’s power to compensate is amazing. A blind man gains acute hearing. A deaf man can read lips. A balding man sprouts a ponytail.