I'm not a twitterwhore. Im a twitterslut. I don't do this for money.

My superpower is insecurity. Is that ok?

Sidewalk Sign seen in Williamsburg: "Brunch Served Here". Sign seen at restaurant next door: "Brunch is for Assholes"

I just told my wife I jerked off four times at my desk today with the door open. She said "You did not. You can't do it four times"

I can't wait for Playboy to do its "Girls of Twitter" issue so I can see all of you naked.

Gonna get a library card for the Library of Congress. I want to go check out my tweets.

I cook, I clean, I'm a great listener and a giving lover. Someday I'm going to get arrested and make a perfect wife.

What's worse than waking up with cat hair on your lips? Realizing you don't have a cat

Favstar has Popular, Rising and New. My only chance is if they add a tab for "Random"

I'm training my 82 yr old mom how to use Foursquare. Its cheaper than the "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklace subscription service

Judging from my Favstar count, I'm the tree that falls in the forest.

"Favstarring" Is that a verb, an adverb, or a loser?

Some dude just jumped for joy at reaching 1000 followers. Woohoo. I unfollowed him.

It doesn't count that you made it TO Wednesday....... You have to get THROUGH Wednesday before you get credit for the day.

I paid $50 to attend a seminar: "How to make money stuffing envelopes". Tomorrow I'm attending "How to earn $50 from stupid people".

My brother is obsessed with genealogy. Im obsessed with gynecology. Whose apple fell furthest from the tree?

There's a cute woman on the bus sitting next to me. I really want to use her shoulder as a pillow. Since Twitter my boundries have changed.

I like boobs as much as the next guy. So move over and stop hogging both of them.

Did u ever wonder why you need a license to give a haircut or a massage but you don't need a license to be a parent and raise a child?

In the encyclopedia under "attention deficit disorder" there's a group picture of all of us.... I know... What's an encyclopedia?