#disturbingsitcoms The OJSimpsons

Okay, HR Dept. Show me in the employee manual where it says "Unfuck You" is not an acceptable form of apology.

saw a car with a "JUST MARRYED" sign on the back. hopefully, the happy couple was "Just Nootered" too...

do you think Ke$ha's manager is named Ke%ha, maybe??

when I get a bright idea, an energy saving light bulb appears over my head. I stare at the odd-looking bulb and immediately forget my idea

the sound of Sarah Palin's voice kills birds

oh stop worrying. that falling space junk usually lands on Wile E. Coyote anyway

...and I'll bet you didn't know this: the Dalai Lama gets most of his shit from his collection of old Reader's Digest magazines.

Lady Gaga looks like she wandered away from a Tim Burton movie

just read a story about a guy that masturbates and cries at the same time. what a tearjerker...

I'm going to go write "no longer available" underneath your name & number on the men's room wall. is that true love or what?

be kind to the people you meet on the way up. for example, try not to fart in the elevator

I stole a tweet from the Dalai Lama, but inserted "fuck" 6 times so no one would recognize it.

Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got to go back home... and Toto got his own rock band. Sweet...

this week's Follow Friday is also April Fool's Day, so... what do we do?

why they're called "Boobs"... http://t.co/NdJMLy1

twitter is a disease. fortunately, it's tweetable.

"...with liberty and justice for all*"
*not available in all states.

let's you and me dress up as a horse for halloween. I'll be the front end and you be yourself...

once broke a thumb getting high-fived. now I tuck the thumb and give high-fours. if you don't like it, take it up with customer service.