If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would listen to.

So does it take twice as many drinks to get a pregnant chick drunk? I just need to know how much cash to bring on my date tonight.

I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers.

My neighbor just waved at me while getting into a minivan with his fat wife and fat screaming kids, which I think that's code for "KILL ME".

I don't know what you guys are talking about. I drank pineapple juice earlier and my jizz doesn't taste any different.

My iPhone keeps auto-correcting "My iPhone keeps auto-correcting" to " You don't have a fucking iPhone, asshole".

You go on Facebook and cry about your girlfriend cheating on you, whereas I go on twitter and brag about me banging your girlfriend.

I'll tell ya, there's nothing better than a cold beer(s) after a long hard day of laying on the couch.

I just finally discovered what Glee is, so now I'm at Best Buy replacing my smashed TV.

Switching from beer to vodka now cause these bitches aren't getting any better looking.

Me: Hey there sexy, nice tits!

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me: This conversation is going nowhere. Wanna fuck?

Her:

Me:

Her:

I just took a shit and giggled, just for shits and giggles.

Don't you just it hate when you think of a really funny tweet, but can't get it worded right for it to be under one hundred and forty charac

Right now I'm watching a guy have open heart surgery on Discovery Health, while eating leftover Chili's baby back ribs from last Tuesday.

I always take viagra before going in a tanning bed, otherwise I get white lines from the wrinkles.

I like my women like I like my wine, any color and cheap.

Life just handed me lemons to squirt in my eyes, so I didn't have to watch Dancing With The Stars.

If I'm ever kidnapped, I hope I'll have my cell on me. So I can tweet "I've been kidnapped" and pray that one of you guys will call the cops

HI EVERYBODY! I HAD LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS FOR LUNCH! LOOK AT ME, I CAN STEER THIS CAR WITH MY FEET!!

Sometimes when I'm drunk I tend to take pictures of my asshole and send them to my ex's phone, to show her what she's been missing.