Man, I like the tweeps I follow. Y'all are a little fucked up. It's working for me.

A puddle is not a portal to the 'other side'. I tried.

I haven't been asked to leave a supermarket since my girlfriend and I got busted for inhaling whipped cream cans. We moonwalked out. Kinda

My cat's gonna be fucking homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on You Tube.

I've never really seen a piece of bacon dance, but I saw one strip once.

You're so lame, I'll bet you think that limp is about you

Yeah, I'd do a missionary. But I'd prefer a cowboy.

I'm having a hard time parking this parallel universe.

Sometimes thinking about sex while I'm at work makes me all squirmy in my seat. Mostly because of the wet spot.

It's odd that there's a waiting period for a divorce, but I can buy a gun today at Walmart.

I may never make the leaderboard, but these 10 year olds think my zombie jokes are funny as shit.

They say people aren't disposable, but I find if you stuff 'em in a trash bag, no one's the wiser and they pick up on Thursdays as usual.

"Shit! Friends at the door- Hide the twitter!" is the new "Dude- it's my Dad- hide the bong!"

Been trying to come up with something funny about the closeness of self-deprecation and self-defecation, but I suck and they're all shit.

Just stepped on a LEGO. No wonder the Dutch wear wooden shoes.

My mouth tastes terrible and I can't find the cat.

I am just not comfortable with flossing more than I fuck.

Not so much counting my blessings today. Not wanting what I have. Not having what I want. The Dalai Lama is gonna be so pissed off.

Damn. The only disadvantage to being naked all day is that I missed the ice cream truck just now. I think he sped up when he saw me. Asshole

I hid my kid's Christmas presents in his own closet with his button down shirts and dress shoes. He'll never think to look in there, ever.