@Molly_Kats

molly

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I hate my upstairs neighbor.

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@Molly_Kats best tweets
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Going to church doesn't make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.

@Molly_Kats

A baby just smiled at me and now I want... Nope, it's crying now. Nope.

@Molly_Kats

North Carolina didn't vote on an "issue," they voted on the private lives of other human beings.

@Molly_Kats

if you don't cry when trying on bathing suits, then fuck you.

@Molly_Kats

If someone from real life asks if you're on Twitter, play dead.

@Molly_Kats

My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.

@Molly_Kats

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.

@Molly_Kats

Venus Williams pulled a groin muscle, which is code for "hurt her dick."

@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

@Molly_Kats

Sometimes I get nervous I haven't done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I'm OK.

@Molly_Kats

My land line just rang. What should I do?

@Molly_Kats

I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

@Molly_Kats

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@Molly_Kats

You don't have to break my heart to make me cry. Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

@Molly_Kats

In hell, you have to find the start to Scotch Tape over and over.

@Molly_Kats

The spider I tried to kill got away and now I have to move out of my house.

@Molly_Kats

After filling my gas tank, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

@Molly_Kats

If a fat person gives you a dirty look while you're smoking, you cancel each other out. #science

@Molly_Kats

Wait. If I pose as a 15-yr-old online, men will show up at my house with alcohol? Thanks, 'To Catch a Predator!'

@Molly_Kats

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