Every time you watch Jersey Shore another book commits suicide

Happy mothers day to every mom who's thought about running away a thousand times & instead made dinner for her kids & cried in a bathroom

Remember ladies: when a guy says "I'm listening" what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd of been unstoppable".

I may not be the kind of girl you bring home to your mother, but Im the kind of girl you need if you don't want to be as unhappy as your dad

Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault

If you love someone, tell them. Or get drunk and cry on their voicemail, that's practically the same thing.

People have GOT to stop freaking out about my runny nose, I don't have a fucking cold assholes...its just all the cocaine

Renewing your wedding vows is a great way to let everyone know you caught your husband fucking the babysitter

My 3 year old has been on his fake phone all day, fighting with his imaginary girlfriend. Ive never met her, but she seems like a total cunt

I like my men like the NFL, locked out & begging for a compromise

Remember ladies: when a guy says "she's just a friend" what he really means is "She turned me down, but I still think of her when I jackoff"

Hey dorky-hot guy reading at the end of my bar. Either fuck me or go home, this isn't Barnes & Noble

Bad girls are just good girls who like to drink and fuck and aren't annoying as shit.

Losing arguments is for people without big boobs

If you're questioning how far flattery will really get you, the answer is in my pants

Relationships are great if you love trying to guess what you did wrong all the time.

4 year old just asked why Batman wasn't in a Marvel poster, so I left him at the store because there is no way that demon child is mine.

You can rev your engine all day, but it won't cover the sound of your erectile dysfunction

On the scale of one to Jehovah's witnesses, how delusional are you?

Its far better to have loved then lost, than to have loved & been stupid enough to get married