I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are alphabetized like they should be.

My oldest son has perfected the art of making his younger brother scream, "Stop touching me!" just by looking at him.

What makes you think I have a dog? Is it the beautiful fur coat I'm wearing ingeniously woven through the fibers of my black pants?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I can't sleep closest to the door because I don't want to be the first one to be killed.

I complete me.

Is it me or once you start using twitter,does everything you read, hear&see become a potential tweet? It's like Tetris it gets in your brain

Ladies, star this tweet if you know how to change a drill bit.

Umm, ok...how about if you know what a drill bit is...

Son: "Hey Mom! Can I use the acoustic toothbrush?"
Me: "What?"
Son: "You know, not the electric one."

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

It defies natural law that I havent driven into a wall during carpool given that 90%of the time I'm twisted around glaring into the backseat

We're talking about homeschooling..no matter how I run the scenario it always ends w/me surrounded by bodies&blood&holding a gun to my head

I always cook pasta one minute longer than the package says because I don't like being told what to do.

Making english speakers push "1" to continue in english #itshouldbeillegal

Does the iPhone have a toilet paper app? Cuz this stall's all out...

Six, "Do you have something you don't care about?"

Me, "What are you really asking?"

Six, "Do you have something I can karate chop?"

My 5 year old when asked his age holds up five fingers and says, "See! I'm a whole handful!"

My son started a conversation this morning with, "You know how they don't have any laws in Mexico....?"

Watch out if my 5 year old is mad at you. Prepare to be called "potato baby" or "zero face".

From my brilliant husband- "We are a nation of couch-dwellers&twinkie-eaters. Lulled into fat oblivion&anesthetized by TV & self-pleasure."