As a little girl I dreamed of being a wife, a meth addict or a whore. I don't want a husband. I do want my teeth. Whore it is.

Bonjour! I say "hello" and "thank you" way too much when I'm in a foreign country and can't speak the language. Merci!

Okay - who's been drinking all of my Starbucks K-Cups?! Oh right... me. Damn.

"Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me" - everyone on twitter ever.

I won't discuss details, but eating glue will not put the pieces of your heart back together. Just believe me on this one.

Today's my cheat day. Just ate a double cheeseburger with fries and now I'm going to do my taxes.

A 3-week project you requested in 2 weeks is now late and buggy. That's not incompetence, it's CONSEQUENCES.

How to delete your Google search history before they start sharing it with advertisers http://t.co/vdMXg0ed

Ted Kennedy was a special case. Instead of ppl hating him because of politics, ppl pretended he wasn't an awful human being bc of politics.

Me with my friend @AndrewBreitbart #Breitbart He said he had something that was going to bring down Obama...Just sayin' http://t.co/6PUsCNAL

*clutches Monkees lunchbox*
*kisses Davy Jones' face*
*sobs quietly in corner*

Snooki just had her fetus spray tanned.

Here’s a cool drinking game: Every time you buy me a drink, I’ll drink it.

I dropped out of high school three months before graduation, in case anybody wants me to make important decisions for them.

Criticize the U.S. all you want but we’re still No.1 in school shootings.

New game show: granny or grad student. We show you the outfit, you decide.

I think the Dow Jones deserves a little gold star for doing so well today.

Every time I start to feel glamorous, my entourage ruins the moment by barking or pooping on somebody's lawn.

I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

Good thing my son isn't an orchid because I would have killed 8 of him by now.