Sometimes I yell at my stepladder, "You're not my real ladder! You can't tell me what to do!" And then I kick it. Feels good.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

I accidentally hit a deer!

Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it...

and it wasn't an accident.

Nope, no boyfriend at the bottom of this ice cream tub either.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Anyway, don't forget to vote!

My neighbor cat has a little tag she wears with her name (Maria) AND her address & phone #! I'm going to call her later.

Just discovered I've been taking my wife's birth control and she's been taking my antidepressants.

She's REALLY excited about the new baby.

Hold Mommy's purse while she burns down the check cashing store.

Pardon me? Oh just stocking up on ammo, food and gold while Washington tries to figure out how to feed the beast of government.

The calorie counter app on my iPhone doesn't recognize crying four hours a day as exercise. This is bullshit.

I just keyed 2+2=5 onto the hood of a smart car.

Pretending I'm dead so I don't have to make breakfast for the kids.

Wondering how often my Detective friend can 'call me in dead' and provide a death certificate to my boss when I'm too hungover to work?

I make my kids sleep on cots to emphasize the fact that they're just visiting

You're going to your son's 3rd grade graduation? That's so funny, because I'm also having a party when I reach the top of this staircase!

My cat starts eating his food before I've finished putting it in his bowl.

Now I know how my boyfriend feels when he tries to pour wine.

In Donald Trump's mind, he just fired America.

Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

My grandma asked me if I wanted some split pea soup. I told her no. Because I don't eat anything that rhymes with shit pee poop.

Dear Favstar,

I read that tweet before starring it. I read at an accelerated sixth grade level.