Jack Kevorkian dead at 83.

Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

Hitting the gym. Lying! Hitting this bong. Kidding!

It's the children. I'm hitting the children.

Cat threw up, then shit in the litter box. If he steals my girlfriend, it will be the college roommate hat trick.

Yeah, long story short, turns out I don't really know CPR.

The only thing you can unfuck is believable.

Pretty sure this dollar store toothpaste is just white paint.

Girlfriend had oral surgery, quits smoking, and is now PMSing. The devil is not in the details. She's right fucking here.

Back in my day, kids would just fall down a well or something.

Halloween tip: If you're wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume, don't forget the hat and cane. Otherwise you're Hitler.

Does this crippling shyness make me look...
Look away!

Switching facebook status from "it's complicated" to "lone gunman".

Some people will never listen no matter how hard you kill them.

Having kittens is great. When do my nipples stop hurting?

Alone at work. Sad trombone. Alone at home. Sad trombone. This one man band sucks.

Dude. That's not a man purse. That's a straight up purse purse.

Checking my portfolio. Trapper Keepers up $1.30. Nice.

Girlfriend is having a movie night with girlfriends. I'm having cocaine night with this hooker.
Kidding! There is no cocaine here.

Pro tip: If you paint a painting, avoid writing a poem on the back. This just lets people know you suck in two disciplines.

This monologue needs more inner.

A man, a plan, a canal, a hostage note, some duct tape. What the fuck is a palindrome?