I am playing my favorite game with the kids. It is called "All the shit you left on your floor is going to Goodwill".

We passed a funeral home and my 3 year old said "There's heaven" and I said "Yup" because I'm tired of explaining things to these people.

I just found out that my hubs got 51 stars for tweeting about me throwing up in the toilet for 2 hours last night. He is an asshole.

Some wonder why women bitch a lot. I will tell you why. So shit gets done. That is why.

I found a dollar in my bed this morning. Following my excitement was a flash of panic when I checked all my teeth.

My son's game "Watch This" sucks really bad.

I am going to the gym but not to work-out. They have daycare and I want to go to the bathroom alone.

My teenager gave me the silent treatment the whole way home. It was AWESOME. I will never again give my husband the silent treatment. Ever.

Teen-agers are God's way of reminding you what an asshole you used to be.

I think my husband smokes just so he can go outside without the kids. Well played!

Tonight my husband & I had a lecture with our kids on spending money. Because I like to hear myself talk & he likes to stand there and nod.

I've never asked for RT's before. I will do it for my kid though. Searching for someone familiar w/ Dysexecutive Syndrome. Please RT?

I haven't gotten any trophies on Twitter lately, so my husband gave me his "Participant" trophy from elementary school. Because we are poor.

My child came outside and used profanity tonight. I blame my fucking asshole douchebag husband. Where else would she get this shit?

I'm not getting many stars probably because it's a recession.

The only person happy to work on the weekend is a parent of multiple children.

My daughter's Indian name is "Always Asks for Shit".

I am going to make a YouTube video on getting 5 kids in and out of the car. Expect it to be 44 minutes long.

As summer wears me down, 9 out of my 10 answers are "Sure, just don't make a mess". The other answer is "Stop talking".

Hubs and I took 5 kids for a bike ride. We looked like the intermission clown act at the fucking circus.