My g/f told me she wants 2 start a family. She's almost packed now!

Tired of Mexican food so I'm having grilled steak,rice,beans,avocado and salsa in a wrap.

If you ever find yourself in my neck of the woods I hope 2 hell you've got a compass I want to get the fuck outta here

After months of nagging & complaining I told my g/f I'd agree to having a kid only if I got to pick who the mother would be

My g/f is giving me the silent treatment. I hope she can get something right for once!

Funny that sometimes u can tell what your mom is thinking. Mine is thinking she's not been dead that long & she can still kick my ass! :)

This year for Halloween I'm going as a big tampon. If I can get someone to go as PMS,we can show up a few days early!

If she asks: "Does this dress make me look fat? Reply: "No,but I look thinner with you in it!"

I had a marvelous time with the woman of my dreams last night. I wanted too make her breakfast, but sadly she was already gone when I awoke

My son called 2 inform me I was going 2 b a grandpa.Needless 2 say I was pissed.I turned 2 his g/f,told her 2 get dressed & make this right!

Just turned down an invite 2 a fancy restaurant that plates nice dishes & is pricey.I could go 2 TacoBell 4 $5 & my poop would look the same

I had a hand full of candy corn last night and I apparently didn't chew it very well

Been there,but I don't recall having done that.

My g/f says she's given me the best years of her life, & thats exactly why it's time for her to move the fuck out.

My g/f's not felt romantic due 2 insomnia.Says the sleeping pills I give her make her vagina sore & have a cum after taste.Any pills 4 that?

My g/f told me to get off twitter. She doesn't want too get off by herself I guess

Oh,I love you more today than yesterday



















But not as much as your husband!

I started with the alphabet,wrote a paragraph,then she made me eat my words

I don't understand why I'm in such a slump right now,but I just watched my self esteem vaporize. I'd better get some booze & rehydrate

Just installed new security software,you know that anti everything kind.Pleased but a bit puzzled that I can still log onto twitter!