If you've never heard the sound of a dial-up modem, then you're probably too young for me to give a fuck about anything you say.

Twitter Rule: The more attractive the female, the more batshit insane.

If you're offended by one of my tweets, please message me and I will completely overhaul my sense of humor just for you.

Cop: What happened?

Me: I slapped the cum outta her mouth.

Cop: Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha.

Cop: Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha.

Cop: You're under arrest.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

666 isn't the Number of the Beast. I'd give you the actual one, but my ex hates when I give out her phone number.

I jokingly told my girlfriend that her farts smelled like dead babies and she flipped out. She's been acting so weird since the abortion.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

If you don't want me suffocating you with a pillow, don't start a pillow fight motherfucker. Now help me rebuild the fort.

Christians laugh when I tell them I wear a cross just in case Vampires attack me. Because I'm the one who believes in fake shit, right?

"I have the almost magical ability of flight, but I think I'll chill in this tree outside your window and never shut the fuck up." - Birds

I always confuse the "fuck me" eyes with the "fuck you" eyes...

After someone does a card trick, put your mouth up to their ear, whisper "I thought I killed all of your kind, wizard" and walk away.

The meaning of "slut" according to:

Men - "A female who is promiscuous."

Women - "A female who is more attractive than me."

You can unfollow me, but my avi will eventually be retweeted onto your Timeline and that smirk is gonna piss you the fuck off.

You don't truly understand how powerless you are against sex until you don't have a condom and your brain's like "Fuck it, it's just AIDS."

Me: Can I eat you out and fuck the life out of you?

Her: Yes! Can I blow you first?

Me: Please don't be a dream. Please don't be a... FUCK

I'm sick of people whose logical and well-thought opinions disagree with my irrational viewpoints. I shall refer to them as "haters."

Alien 1: What are the humans doing?

Alien 2: They're replacing popular song titles with the word "tampon."

Alien 1: *sigh*

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper "Perfect. Master will love you." This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace...