I keep hearing people complain about hot girls with questionable profiles following them.

How do I make that happen, again?

Shit, shower, spank it, don't bother to shave.

The daily routine of married guys who've given up, all over the world.

If this goddamn dog doesn't hurry and take a goddamn piss, I can't go to goddamn bed, and then who is my wife going to ignore?

For Follow Friday, I picked a hot blonde at the Chevron station.

Followed her for about 7 miles, but then she got really creeped out.

I saw some people tweeting about candy corn, so I had to go get a bag last night.

At least this morning's vomit was a pretty color.

Jerking off like Obama's about to make it illegal.

He is, you know. I heard it on Fox News.

Wife's going out of town for a week. Asked me if I'd miss her.

Told her I'd be fine, I had you fuckers to ignore me.

Wife walked by in her underwear, which I took as a sign, but she was only getting laundry.

What? I always watch the game with my dick out.

Blowjobs are a real thing, right guys?

Thank God. I was starting to think I had only dreamed them.

You know when you really have to piss, then you do, and it feels amazing?

My neighbor didn't get why I was moaning in his backyard either.

Are we done with all the "gorging myself on candy" jokes yet?

I'm ready to move to the "gorging myself on turkey" jokes. Birdhouse is full.

Wife's going out of town for a week. Prepare yourselves for updates about ramen, hot dogs, farts and jerking off.


You know, as usually.

Single parents: what do you do with the baby when you need to take a crap?

Mine's locked in the shower, but pretty sure that's not right.

I've been practicing letting go of anger about stuff from the past. Right now I want to punch you in the face, so I guess it isn't working.

Only one way I'm going to survive this visit from my Mother-in-Law, and that's constant masturbation.

Not thinking about her, of course.

Just rubbing my dick on the neighbors' SUV.

#omgwhatareyoudoing

Whatever happened to that Avril Lavigne girl?

I figured she'd have had a sex scandal by now.

Wife was feeling frisky, asked if I wanted pussy for lunch.

I passed, because come on: that double cheeseburger wasn't going to eat itself.

No joke, I haven't blown a load in over a week. Saving up a surprise for the missus.

Planning to give it to her while she's sleeping.

Ladies: if I ever turn down naked pics offered via DM, it means I'm off my meds.

Or my wife is reading my DMs.

Either way, send the porn.