Catholic priests are high in molesterol.

You know, if altar boys could get pregnant, the church would be 100% for birth control.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

A tee shirt that says "You autocomplete me" is cute and romantic. One that says "You autocorrect me" is more um reality-based.

If the tea party proves anything, it's that only smart, educated people are using birth control.

Today, I accidentally opened a can of swamp ass on someone.

You look a little swollen. Are you retaining anger?

Here I sit so broken hearted, wrote a tweet and no one starred it.

"I Writed a Wordy-book!" #BushMemoirLeaked

They should just call them "nut chucks" because that's where they inevitably land.

Donner, party of 5. Donner, party of 5. Oh, sorry. 4. No, 3. Wait...

I have changed my phone's email signature to read "Sent from my iPhone while pooping." Let's see if anybody notices.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has been overturned, but my "Don't Ask, Don't Care" policy remains in full effect.

I love the way you redress me with your eyes.

If I eat all those refried beans, it'll be stinko de Mayo.

As much as I love the idea of artesian bread, I think you meant artisan.

Um, how can Sarah Palin be shopping around a reality show when she has only a nodding acquaintance with reality to begin with?

Back in a minute, wait for me. ~ Godot

Hey Catholics: get over the "have to provide birth control" thing. If they're good Catholics, they won't take you up on the offer. #freewill