NEW RULE: If you stare at my boobs when you talk to me. Then I *squint* at your crotch.

Theres no 'u' in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

Im not a lawyer, but Im pretty sure 'He started it,' is a legit defense.

When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

When I'm having a bad day, I like to think of Prince William, Prince and will.i.am introducing themselves to each other.

Its been a business doing pleasure with you.

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.

Watching other people eat corn on the cob is the reason I no longer like corn on the cob....or people.

I bet swallows are the most popular of birds in the bird world.

Hey dude, youre delivering me a fridge.
Is it really necessary to ask where I want it in the house?

Theres an awkward silence when I say 'I cant hear you, youre breaking up, Im going through a tunnel.'
And then realize they rung me at home.

So apparently its considered bad form to yell your own name out during sex.
Awkward!

You'll be happy to know that the gum I swallowed when I was 15 is now gone.

Never trust anyone who says ' Im not supposed to tell anyone but....'

Youre giving me the silent treatment as punishment?
Its like they arent even aware that I hate people.

Whatever it is that turns dog poo white, I think thats what Michael Jackson had.

F to the Y to the I ....
You make me wanna H to the U to the R to the T you when you talk like this.

I'm having an out of pocket experience right now. #broke

My life would have a lot more meaning and purpose, if only I had an arch nemesis.

Hey Babies.....Cant you just learn to cry and sob violently in silence like the rest of us.