A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

I'm not passive aggressive, unlike *some* people on here.

I'm not sure whether I'm an optimist or a pessimist. The glass stays in the cupboard and I drink from the bottle.

Our society failed the day they started putting Braille on drive-through ATMs.

Your asshole is showing...no don't check your pants. Check your attitude.

My favorite part of religion and politics is when nobody talks about them ever.

Just so everyone's 100% clear, if I ever tweet a FourSquare location, it means I'm dying, so immediately send help to that location.

Today would be 98% better if I were looking at boobs instead of doing whatever it is I was hired to do here.

My favorite thing about the term "brah" is when people don't use it.

My "Choke a Bitch" threat level is currently at Orange. ORANGE, people!

Eating a banana faster to try and hide it only makes you look even more gay.

What are the odds that every single kid who goes missing is named Amber?

I'm fucking Hungry. Yeah, I don't know why her parents named her that either.

I just unlocked the "None of your fucking business where I am" badge on foursquare.

Truth: For at least two weeks I though Bristol Palin was a pharmaceuticals company.

I just had the strangest dream! Everyone pretended I was funny, and there was a whale and gold stars, and you were there, and you and you!

The difference between a gentleman and a tool is that a gentleman will be discreet about checking out every single woman. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE

I've never really minded Monday so much because by the time I really have any idea what the hell is going on there's only an hour left.

Questioning my commitment to modern civilization.

What do you get for the bagel that has everything?