I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I just saw a Mexican Ghostbuster chasing a ghost who looked EXACTLY like a pile of leaves!

What if birds are just out of control napkins.

Bored? 1) Write "tree blood" on 5,000 ping pong balls 2) Dump them in a hollow tree 3) Wait for a lumberjack

I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.

It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

I hate when I'm drowning and a fish whispers, "I'm going to live inside your butt."

Nobody hates airport security more than ol' Bombface McSwordfingers.

Japan also has Amish people; they drive around in cars instead of teleporting in giant robots.

Keep talkin' shit, kangaroos. At least I'm not cargo pants with a face.

Stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

So, China. An entire country featuring the same haircut.

..C.r.a..p.!..A.n.t.s...a.r.e. .c.a.r.r..y..i..n.g...m.y..t.w..e.e..t...a.w..a.y..!..

An albino sees snow falling and mutters "Yes, yes, soon the power of invisibility shall be mine."

When I'm at a vending machine I always press f8 and eat whatever drops, because you can't escape feight.

Want to make a girl instinctively cry? Wear a vintage army uniform and approach her while she hangs stuff on a clothesline.

Popcorn? Yes. Cop porn? No.