65 yrs from now nursing homes are going to be full of blue haired old ladies sporting facial piercings, tramp stamps & wrinkly star tattoos

Weed.
Because when your a grown-up with kids, you just don’t have *time* for hang-over’s & black-outs anymore.

Show me the girl that derives extra pleasure from miniscule raised latex ribbing and I show you a girl with a hypersensitive magical snatch.

5 y/o got his arm stuck in his dads fleshight again. I'm just glad he stopped using my vibrator to simulate earthquakes in his lego village.

Dear hall monitors who always point out grammer mistakes: WERE TWEETING ABOUT FARTS; ITS NOT A THESIS FOR YOU 2 PROOF READ. Their, Im done.

Is there an age when its no longer acceptable to steal toilet paper, tooth paste & dish soap from my parents house when I visit?

Thank you for alerting me via bumper sticker that you hve a 'baby on board' I was just about to ram you off the road for fun

My tweets don’t bring all the boys to the yard … they do however bring child protective services to my house.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm one of those moms who believes parenting just wasn't meant to be done sober.

We didn't have smart phones when I was a kid so my mom had to ignore me at the park the old fashioned way - smoking & tryin to pick up dudes

You give me a joint & I will clean this house like its a murder scene.

Going on multiple star-fucking sprees makes me feel all moist & whorish without the pesky concern of herpes & babies.

I wish there was a ‘restore original settings’ button on my vagina.

So my kid doesnt like when I sing Katy Perry in the car. Well, sorry for being a firework, okay? I cant help that my colors burst in the car

I KNOW I shouldn't,but the 15 y/o in me just reacts when the kids yell 'show us your tits'. I'm not allowed to walk my kid to school anymore

If you tell me you carry an epi pen, I will do everything in my power to induce your allergy so that I can stab you with that bad boy.

Kids today are so lucky to have 'cyber bullying'. I was born in 79, so we had to get off the couch to berate girls into an eating disorder.

Occasionally I wear my bras from when I was 14. They make my tits look huge AND I get to relive those nightmares about my clothes shrinking.

So, if red hair is a genetic mutation doesn't that mean gingers are X-Men who will take over the earth?

I really miss high school. Its so hard to score good drugs in the real world.