I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I cannot stop staring at pictures of Wonder Woman and Batgirl. I fear I may have developed a heroine addiction.

Looking at porn on my new phone is awesome. I've come a long way since masturbating to "BOOBS" written on a calculator.

I really don't know how to put this but I think I am allergic either to peanut butter or dog saliva.

I cannot think of anything more terrifying than a ventriloquist's dummy coughing up a human finger.

I couldn't afford to jump out of a cake for your birthday so I just hid my penis in an eclair.

I'd love to give somebody a pan of brownies baked with laxatives and pot. You know, for shits and giggles.

Girls say that the bigger the vehicle, the smaller the penis. Interesting.Now if you'll excuse me, I need to ride my tricycle to the bank.

Sometimes I say "Beetlejuice" three times so I can use the carpool lane.

The new season of Hoarders starts tonight. I want to watch it but I can't find my fucking TV.

Can't a guy carry around a ziploc of emergency oregano for a pizza without everyone making a fuss?

Masturbating into a sock = disgusting. Masturbating into a sock as you are wearing it = disgustingly talented.

At work, I like to send important faxes with "PAGE 2" written on top.

It's all fun and games at the spelling bee until someone loses an I.

If you're a guy and can't see your feet when looking down, you may want to lose weight. If you're a girl and the same thing happens, call me

Today I pay respect to everybody who survived Pearl Harbor. I don't know how you guys made it to the credits but well fucking done.

I want to cover my car with a hundred "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Awareness" ribbons.

Does anybody know the best way to clean semen off a clownsuit?

If you're a girl and carry lotion with you, you're cute and smell good. If you're a guy and carry lotion with you, don't shake my hand.

I just said "You too" to a waiter who told me to enjoy my meal. I'm pretty sure the only way to remedy this is to murder him.