"Expecto Patronum" is what Harry Potter would say to conjure a spirit guardian. And also how he would order a shot of tequila.

Sudden financial windfall? Need a good pop culture metaphor to rap about it? Do what I do and say your money is straight January Jonesin'

I'd tell more "stupid men" jokes but half of you wouldn't get it.

I wasn't going to tweet today, but then I had a hot pocket and felt it deserved attention. It was a little cold in the middle. There you go.

do comedy shows start sooo late because comedians need a lot of time to get drunk-brave because that'd be my reason

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, FLATTENED PEDESTRIAN?

Ole #WITEHOE ~ Nas-T az FUK~ TATU~ smmfh http://t.co/8sAD1FEC

Not sure how to tell this girl that I want to have sex with her. Better bake her a cake that says, "I want to see you naked Jessica!!"

If I ever get on The Price Is Right, I'm going to give all my bids in pesos.

Uh yeah, can't you see I'm stuffing Twinkies with ground beef? Probably not gonna be able to write my rent check tonight TREVOR.

Being gay, I haven't really seen a vagina, but going by how much toilet paper we go through at the salon, they must be humongous!

Customer: "How is this one size fits all?" Me: "I don't know I didn't make it."

Some people are so transparent... but you have to open your eyes to see it.

i hate when shallow people try to be profound. shit's annoying as fuck.

Always wanted to be the "girl with the most cake" and from the look of my ass, achievement unlocked and swallowed.

My tweets start off so strong in the morning, and then go off the rails some time after my fifth long island ice tea. Mysterious.

Game show idea: buy me everything I want.

I didn't get booked to be on RuPaul, but I did get booked to perform in Columbus, OHIO. Who wants an auto-graph? I'll sign my suicide note.

Over 66 million people “like” Facebook on Facebook. Over 66 million people on Facebook are fucking redundant.

Cutting a nacho hole in my Scream mask