The Girl Scout in this magazine looks super old & her mammaries are hanging out & she's peeing on a guy?

If you can put socks on a toddler's wet feet without losing your mind, you can accomplish anything.

Old people may be racist as fuck and smell like goddamn mothballs, but boy can they whistle.

Next time she yells, "Deeper!", yell, "Tighter!".

Whatever you picture as how a sassy black woman runs that is how the woman who just passed me is running.

Sometimes, when you guys fail to amuse me adequately, I pretend we're all a bunch of has-been celebrities in a rerun of Hollywood Squares.

I refuse to believe corporations are people until Texas executes one.

My Racist Moment of the Day: asking a black lady if her name was LaRhonda because I didn't hear her (her name was just plain Rhonda).

This may come as a shock, but I often use figurative speech to communicate an idea. But thanks for your literal interpretations & responses.

I'm under the assumption that "born again Christian" is code for "I used to be a slut".

I was surprised to learn this gum is artificially flavored, because it tastes EXACTLY like natural Crisp Mint Waterfall.

They call them 'tater tots' because 'potato children' just sounds creepy.

Life is what happens between insurance commercials.

apron anal

I want our relationship to be like we're best friends who occasionally make out.

Richard Nixon

Richard Cheney

Richard Simmons

Andy Dick


Dick jokes

Now that I'm older, the monsters have gone from living under my bed to living in my mailbox.

If You Give a Bank a Cookie, It Will Charge You a $5 Fee and Ask for a Glass of Milk

Parents lose custody of daughter they named Adolf Hitler.
"A little help over here??" said their other child Tyra Kardashian-AIDS Daughtry

Posted an ugly picture of myself & lost followers. It inspired me to write this poem "FUCK YOU"(it's one of those poems that doesn't rhyme)