Don't fuck up everything and tell me you're an artist.

Wheel of Fortune is in desperate need of a "spin the wheel with your butt" round.

McDonalds mysterious french fries are the Pringles of french fry world.

Still recovering from seeing someone I work with at Target this weekend wearing sandals.

Abe Vigoda #celebrityfish

CCH Flounder #CelebrityFish

No one loves a recently dead singer more than the record industry.

That supercomputer was so Cray.

My favorite drinkable candy is kefir milk.

My dogs Potato Wedge and Tater Slaw are concerned I've been working the potato into all terms of endearment for the past month.

"I bet Rachel Maddow would roll her eyes and smirk after everything I said" - The thought that ended my lesbian crush on Rachel Maddow.

I bet there is an obsessed eyebrow threader person out there who dreams every night about digging up Andy Rooney.

"Facebook Orphans." - The children of those who spend every moment on Facebook telling everyone how great their shitty family is.

Resisted urge to text "just know I am here for you if you need anything" to about 300 unrequited loves today as I am so mentally stable.

AP: "Country singer Loretta Lynn married at 15"

Not sure who she is, but she looks like hell for a teenager.

Mick Jagger to make millions uncomfortable with his aged spasms on SNL tonight.

@UNTRESOR top it off with a jombrero

.@bigoletitties oh how I love you

"Men who dye their hair to cover gray are so sexy!" no one ever and my mom.

"I'm not going to be in the office tomorrow because I'm worried about pee balloons being thrown at me" a person who works in Chicago loop.