That supercomputer was so Cray.

Couponsuzy looks like Peter Pan with big tits.

There is some HORRIBLE fashion show or something going on in Iowa right now.

Everyone who says Angelina Jolie is super hot hasn't seen her in the past 5 years. Eat a fukn sandwich, woman.

It's cute how you treat your 10 yo like a peer. So do I, which is why I just told her to shut the fuck up.

Skinny jeans have taught me that ancient diseases like rickets and congenital mega-ass are still a thing.

The story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches us that being different is bad, until someone popular likes you.

Just like Twitter.

Hey lonely people. I am NEVER FUCKING ALONE so quit your bitchin'

I'm no addiction specialist and that breakfast martini makes you look super fun.

I still follow boring people I followed in my early days of twitter.

Can't unfollow because of guilt.

Also why I'm still married.

My favorite Precious Moments figurines are "Billy's First Cigarette" and "Lil Shoplifter."

I'm not the funniest person on Twitter, but at least I try not to tweet completely stupid stuff.

If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.

I am reasonably confident that if I acted mature no one would like me or find me interesting

"I present the Turducken!" - Chef Moreau, formerly Dr. Moreau. HE HAD AN ISLAND ONCE.

If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

Stop putting so much shit in your hair.

"is this interesting, funny or will it make people think?"

ask this of yourself before you tweet