We Cornish are an ugly people. We’re so ugly that when the Vikings came, they only pillaged.

My girlfriend sometimes goes down on me unexpectedly. Which is annoying considering the effort it takes to blow her up.

I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don’t want to go out with a weirdo.

I had to declare my excess baggage at customs. Spent ten minutes explaining my childhood acne and what happened that day in the scout shed.

I’m not saying my wife got bored with sex, but it reached the point where she even faked my orgasms.

My daughter thinks hiding some food under other food makes it disappear. She should become an accountant.

Sex with a person you love is the best sex. Apart from sex with a person you don’t love but who’s better at sex than the person you love.

So you wear the copper bracelet to ward off arthritis? You think arthritis is as gullible as you are?

If you think everyone hates you, you’d be wrong. It’s probably just those who know you.

Men should stop complaining that women are indecisive. Because if women were more decisive, they’d kick men out sooner than they do.

Men think about sex every three minutes? Not me. Not thinking about it now. Not even about tits, glorious tit tits … titty titty tit tits.

Convinced he was a failure at everything he did, he tried to take his own life. Several times, in fact.

If I have a criticism of women it’s that they always give too much information. Except the ones who work at help desks, obviously.

Professional comedians don’t want to give away material free on Twitter. This can be the only explanation for the lameness of their tweets.

My favourite sexual position is on my knees. Unless it’s a high keyhole.

I was brought up as a child. As a result, I have to constantly fake being an adult.

Twitter is confusing. I used to watch porn; now porn is watching me.

The art of sex is to delay orgasm till the right moment. But there’s such a thing as too much delay. A week’s too long, for example.

A man needs to be married to find out how stupid he is.

I suspect evening Twitter is the closest I've ever come to knowing what women write on toilet walls. Please may I have my innocence back?