Some days my mood depends on how many freeze dried strawberries end up in my bowl of Special K.

My Mom likes to talk to herself. We got her a Bluetooth Headset so people don't think she's crazy.

One day when my wife is away for a few hours, I'm having one hell of a pillow sale.

Remember: Sweat is your body crying for enchiladas cooked in bacon grease.

A fart is a wish your ass makes.

If you ever walk in to a dark room and see me naked with a bowl of cake frosting, just act normal. Okay? OKAY?

Some days I'm really excited. Some days I just want to drink a shit-ton. But mostly, I just get the runs.

I propose a short questionnaire once you click unfollow. I think it will really improve the customer service around here.

... And that, my boy, is why vaccum hoses should just be used to vaccum #fatherlywisdom

If you prefer a bad light beer to a beautiful woman, then drink to your idiocy.

The best part about eating dessert is the snuggling that happens before.

I'm always told to look out for No. 1. But the truth is No. 2 always sneaks up on me. And at the weirdest time. Like when I'm antiquing.

Watched a Hawk kill a squirrel this morning. I ran out, congratulated it. I played it back in slo-mo for him and then we drank a beer.

There's not enough "Whatever It Takes" in the World.

Sitting staring at some fruit. It feels creepy, but it shouldn't be.

Rocked my first bluetooth headset yesterday. Next week, a rat-tail.

Sitting in a room, staring at people in a very non-creepy way.

Last night I had a dream about the shelf life of an Oreo.

I think it's funny when people try to make up rules about how to use Twitter.

My new glasses are so cool that I killed the guy who made them to make sure he never makes them again. That's the price of fashion.