Have you peed yourself again?
Well...that Depends.

Husband and I have agreed to spend less time on Twitter. So we tweet to each other instead. With our mouths.
It's called talking. It's nice!

Daughter swears she'll be a hairdresser. Even though she never brushes her hair.

My snotty cold has made life so boring, all I could do last night was colour my hair.
So now I'm sick.
And ravishing.

Watched a film about British women demanding equal pay in the 60s.
Think I saw my mum. She was standing up for the men.

The nicest thing about having two of your four children away for the night, is that two of your four children are away for the night.

If you're sick of the same old floor-rug, ask my 4 yrs to paint it for you.
She's quiet, and will do it for free when you're not looking.

Mothers that wear 'Mom-jeans' are just showing men they don't want any more kids.

I'm going to invent the biggest umbrella ever! It'll have stairs, a telly, even a toilet.
And I will call this umbrella a 'house'.

@JStaffz Hello there! You have more followers than the Queen, man! *jumps on my Vespa and drives away at 20 km per hour*

Daughter is calling the dog Fluffy-Dick.
She has no idea what it means.
What an idiot.

My follow-count is so low I'm under the Thames with toilet-paper stuck in my windpipe.
But I'll pop up again! Used condoms are bouyant...

Potty-training.
Soon enough we'll be putting our kids on the potty and telling them, 'Tweet till you do something.'
Just like Daddy does.

Is Angelina's other leg really fat? Hope so.

I want a Yorkshire Terrier that has good strong legs.
Don't want him collapsing when I wear him as a shoe.

I like to invite superstars to check out my tweets. I'm modest like that.

Family of six, one 18 ft swimming-toilet. pool.

Happy Mothers Day to my mum in England, who taught me that 'travelling light' means not packing any underwear.

Calling a women's 'hymen' as such is like calling a man's equipment 'Hey ladies!'

Daughter asked why I don't have big eyebrows now I'm 'old'.
I told her they've gone to Heaven, & are just waiting there for me to die.